The older I get, the less I can be bothered with basic pleasantries. You know, all those ‘Best wishes’, ‘Congrats’ and ‘With sympathy’ greeting-card responses to life. I really believe if you can’t think of something that shows how you truly feel, you shouldn’t say anything at all. It might sound mean, but hear me out.
Last week, someone posted on Facebook that their father had died. Scrolling through the comments, I found that around 50 people had written things like “Sorry for your loss” on a genuinely devastating update. I read them all, wondering how anyone could write that without feeling like a cop-out. While it can be difficult to think of something to say, those reactions are pre-made responses – empty words that people use when they can’t think of anything else. Surely sending something – anything – personal would mean more to the person who’s suffering?
But it’s not just on Facebook – these stock phrases are everywhere. Weddings are a hotbed of people saying the ‘right’ thing: “You must be very proud” to the mother of the bride, or “Wishing you a life of happiness” to the couple. Yes, it’s all very nice, but why not ask how they’re feeling? For my wedding, I was adamant that we wouldn’t do anything that felt overly formal. I told the photographer that I didn’t want to pose for family photos because everyone standing in a line wouldn’t remind us of the fun we’d had – just who was there. I wanted action shots: people laughing, chatting, dancing, being silly. But I lost the battle and we ended up with dozens of stiff, standing-in-a-line shots anyway. It still annoys me.
But if we find it difficult to be genuine around the people we love, it can be near-impossible in a professional capacity: with colleagues or clients. But no one really likes these formalities, do they? It’s as if we’re all acting like we’re on the naughty step. Perhaps it’s because we don’t want to be judged for being different, or because we’re afraid to say the ‘wrong’ thing – whatever that is. I’m sure it’s the latter, so I’ve stopped worrying what the right thing to say is, and try to speak from the heart. It’s liberating and feels genuine. My husband, Chris, has always been great at this. We once met Prince William and Kate Middleton at the polo and, as I started being bizarrely proper and putting on a ‘posh’ voice, Chris shook Kate’s – our future QUEEN’s – arm, and told her to “wrap up warmer next time”. I was horrified, but I shouldn’t have been – she laughed, because she’s human.
It taught me a fine lesson: we are ALL human, so let’s stop being afraid to show our thoughts and emotions, whether that’s making silly jokes at a work event or offering genuine support on social media. That way, when we say something, at least we’ll be saying something real.
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